Do soulmates exist?

Hey,

I hope you’re okay and well. Life is short. Life is random. Do things that you truly want to do for yourself. Not only because it’s what you’ve been programmed to do.

Stay curious. Stay Jiggy.

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I recently watched the Netflix Series: SEX LIFE.

A friend recommended it and after watching it, we had a chat about the movie. Not gonna give any spoilers but the central topic is that there was a lady who couldn't get over her attachment to her old lover.

An old lover that we can describe as a soulmate in this case. Regardless of what she did, she always went back to him. I discussed the concept of a soulmate with my friend and that conversation inspired this letter.

Image credit (I’m sure you can guess who the lover is)

To start, I was curious to find out where the idea of a soulmate came from.

According to PsychologyToday, the idea of a soul mate comes from the ancient tale of Aristophanes, a comic playwright, and contemporary of Plato.

Plato wrote about how Zeus was jealous of two-headed hermaphroditic giants with four feet and he cleaved them apart into beings with one head and two feet. Setting them up for an eternity of looking for their other halves.

This is the oldest material that we can attribute to the concept of soulmates but many people believe the concept is as old as mankind itself.

Do you believe in soulmates?

I asked a few friends this question and the results were mixed. Some people believe it, others don't.

What is a soulmate? The concept of a soulmate states that there is one person out there for everybody. With that person, we are a perfect match and we should ideally live happily ever after.

The interesting thing is that for folks like me who have been in multiple long-term relationships (and I think even for some short term ones), when you meet a great person, all the dots connect. Each long-term relationship I have been in can lay claim to giving me the soulmate feeling.

The flaws in the concept of a soulmate

1. There is no 100% fit: No two people are the same, nor are meant to be. In every relationship that lasts long enough, you eventually start to identify 'bad' sides/attributes of your partner, both ways.

2. Humans are not static: As much as we like to believe we have a core identity and that we're that person for life, it's not true. Our beliefs, mannerisms, priorities, approach to life and pretty much every other thing change.

   Yes, core principles might remain the same but the expression of our lives changes as we go through different phases of life and face different circumstances. For the soulmate concept to work, our destined partner would have to change in the exact same way for us to remain soulmates.

Image credit

3. Population: There are close to 8 billion people in the world. Let's even scale it down. In your locale, there are probably 1million+ people. What is the probability that of the 8 billion people in the world, your one and only soulmate is in that group of 1 million?

   In many instances, people who have lived and died in locales of less than 50,000 people have claimed to have found their soulmates.

4. Francis' Randomization theory: Let's even assume that your soulmate is in that 1million+ population, billions of random events have to occur during your lifetime for you to find yourself in the same place and time with your soulmate. And you both have to be in a similar age group, social class etc for a conversation/connection to happen.

   The church you go to. Your secondary school. Your university. The type of amala you like. Your choice of hairdo. Your confidence.

   There are just too many variables to make the math work.

Deep-Down, we all long for a soulmate

Even if you're shaking your head in agreement that you don't believe in soulmates, it still affects us all.

A Marist 2011 survey showed that 73% of Americans believe in soulmates. Another study showed that over 90% of people get advice on love from movies, television and other forms of media. 33% get it from Mothers and a measly 17% from Fathers (Yet, Bachen & Illouz 1996).

The point here is that whether we like it or not, we have been sold the image of a perfect relationship and marriage. The mere fact that the phrase 'happily-ever-after' exists is a testament to this. We have been programmed to think that a relationship with eternal joy and zero issues exist. And we subconsciously aspire to it.

Image credit

It is an important question that lies in the depths of our hearts in each relationship we get into. It then gets heightened when you're at the stage where you have to decide who your life partner is. You wonder if this is the person that will be your happily-ever-after.

Francis' Percentage Theory of Connections

In a scene in SEX LIFE, the lady goes to see her therapist to help her as she tries to decide whether to stick with her stable husband or go back to her sexually adventurous soulmate. He asked her to rate on a 100% scale how much of what she wants in a partner is present in her husband. She says 85%.

Granted, most of the remaining 15% was sex-related in her case, I find that the analogy is a good framework for thinking about how we select the best possible partners.

If you think back on most relationships that you've had, you can likely rate how much of what is important to you each of your partners had. . My first long-term relationship will be somewhere around 55% while the 2nd one was around 75% (I wouldn't tell you what number I'm on now, lol)

For us to go into any relationship, the percentage is likely above 40% ish.

I think that what people describe as 'soulmates' are people that you achieve a high percentage of alignment with. Say 85%-90% and above. You guys click so much that you can't believe such a person exists in the world.

The challenge with the % scale though is that while you might hit a 90% with someone, components of the missing 10% might be things that are vital to you and are deal breakers for you.

Another thing that we should be conscious of is that growth is part of human life. And by definition, when growth happens, change occurs as well. Negative or Positive.

So the components of your 90% as a 20 years old student will likely be different when you're 25 y/o young adult trying to make sense of life. It'll be different at 30, 40, 45, 50 and so on.

While writing this letter, I asked folks on my WhatsApp status if they believe in soulmates and Victoria shared my favourite responses:

We make our soulmates.

Image credit

Perhaps we should approach our quest for the right partner in a different way. With the growth mindset.

The mindset that you'll grow with your partner. This mindset takes into consideration that you're both not perfect. While there might be things you both connect strongly to, there will be some things that are important to either party that is missing in their partner.

With a growth mindset, when you find someone that's high enough on your percentage bar. Someone who treats you right and has some of the attributes that are most important to you, you then grow with each other. You learn about the other person's wishes. You bring down your walls and let them know about the things you wish they had as well.

In my little experience of practising this mindset, your percentage alignment goes up and you build a bond that is strong enough to tolerate those attributes that'll likely never change.

I think this is more sustainable than the destiny mindset that there is one person out there who has all you need and for whom all your attributes are perfect. I don't think that's mathematically possible.

On the Flip Side

I also believe that the growth mindset can help people go through breakups better or make a decision on relationships that they want to break away from. For the latter, there's often the thought that there's no one else out there for you. That if you lose this person, your life is over and no one can ever love you the way they did.

There are close to 8 billion people in the world. There is a very high probability that there are at least 100,000 people out there that you'll have an 80%+ alignment with. You just gotta apply a growth mindset to make the rest of it work.

What do you think? Do you believe in soulmates? If you don't, what do you believe in? How do you make a decision about choosing the right partner?

What did you think of this week's letter?

I love it! ◌ I Like It ◌ Not Bad ◌ I Don’t Like It ◌It’s Awful

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This letter was written while listening to Wishing Well by Juice WRLD.

Ask yourself: Your aspirations and desires, are they going to make you content and happy or are you chasing after them for social signalling?

Love always,

Francis.