Hi,
I hope you’re doing okay.
When feeling demotivated and down like we all do, try to remember that “Action breeds confidence”. Start and the motivation will come.
Stay Jiggy always.
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I was having a conversation with my girlfriend recently. It was a sensitive conversation about a decision I was going to make. We both had different opinions and individually felt strongly about our opinions.
However because the topic was something that was more of my thing, I felt very strongly about it. In the moment, I expected that she should be able to sense my emotion and understand why I felt very attached to my opinion. When I didn't get that understanding, I felt a little that she didn't put herself in my shoes to understand me more.
A similar scenario has probably happened to you many times. You're feeling some certain way or have a certain thought/opinion about something. But the way you communicate it to the other person is through gestures, emotions, tone of your voice and the like.
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And when the person doesn't seem to take note, it feels as though they weren't sensitive enough to spot your cues and show that they care enough. You can't understand why they don't understand your perspective when it seems so clear.
This is caused by a phenomenon called the Illusion of Transparency. This bias causes us to overestimate the degree to which our thoughts and emotions are apparent to others. We think people can easily tell what we're thinking and feeling.
This is even more common when we're experiencing a deep emotion. Like a rejection that makes us feel moody. A bad day at work. When we receive a piece of bad news. When we're having self-esteem doubts/depressive episodes. When we feel embarrassed and many more.
Because we feel what we feel so strongly. In the moment, we naturally expect the other person to be able to interpret this easily without us having to use words. And sometimes when they don't, we might feel disappointed. You know, that feeling that we're not understood.
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It's not self-obsession, it's quite natural to feel this way.
One of the reasons why we feel this way and why others are also unable to interpret our emotions is because the SPOTLIGHT effect affects us all.
As I wrote in my last letter, because of the spotlight effect, we are always at the center of our own world. We naturally see things from our perspective and not from the other person's perspective.
This explains why your partner sometimes can't spot your emotion unless you say something. They're facing their own emotions too. And while it might look as though they are looking at you, the thoughts in their head might be different. They might be thinking about work, about something that happened to them, about the kids, about the home, about life or a million other things.
And it can be unfair to expect them to know your thoughts in such a situation because that's not how we're wired. We're all always constantly evaluating things from our individual worldviews.
The gap between our subjective experience and what other people pick up on is known as the illusion of transparency - Shane Parrish.
I have seen relationships deteriorate and friendships weaken because of this illusion. I am guilty of it often as well. When we experience something like this multiple times, we grow the assumption that the other person doesn't understand us enough or doesn't care for us.
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Language and the ability to communicate across large groups is one of the key reason why humans are the most advanced species on the planet. Take away communication and we go down the evolutionary pecking order.
In the past couple of years, I have experienced too many instances where a simple conversation is what it took to mend deep rifts and broken relationships. Some people make judgements and approach their relationships with people in their lives based on assumptions. In many cases, a simple conversation with words will mend those relationships.
“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky
It is much better to make your judgement after communicating and the other party continues to display that behaviour. Give them the benefit of doubt.
Research has also found that married couples or romantic partners tend to expect their partners to be able to 'sense them and interpret them better. Studies have however proven that even long-term partners can be subject to the illusion of transparency.
Anyone can be affected by the illusion.
How to overcome the effect
As with a lot of cognitive biases that I continue to explore, awareness is the most important step. Now that you are aware of this bias, you should put it into practice. When in a situation where you want the other party to be aware of what's going on, try to use words and not only emotions/gestures.
If it's in the heat of the moment and you are unable to use words, that's fine too. Just be careful not to assume that the other person wasn't paying attention to you or wasn't understanding. They might have no idea. They are not mind-readers, just like you aren't.
Another approach is to quickly put yourself in the person's shoes. If you were in a similar situation that you possibly had other thoughts in your own head, would you be able to easily decipher the emotions/thoughts of others? It's very unlikely.
Understanding of this effect is applicable in many areas of life. In business or at work, you can use it to resolve issues with colleagues or bosses faster. If someone is giving you attitude, it's possibly because of this gap.
In a negotiation, you can use the knowledge that people are unable to know what you're thinking to your advantage. Though from your perspective, your intentions should be deciphered easily, this is usually far from the case.
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Studies have shown that when people are telling lies, they overestimate the ability of others to spot the lie. In reality, most people can only spot a lie one-third (1/3rd) of the time. So you have a 66% chance of getting away with a lie.
So in negotiations, keep a straight face and you'll likely get away with what you want.
This bias also affects us when public speaking. We feel nervous and think that the audience can spot our every mistake and nervousness. In 66% of instances, they can't. They might very well feel like you're the most confident speaker they've ever listened to. So when nervous while speaking, remember that you can feel it strongly because you're only looking at it from your perspective. The perspective of the people in the audience is very different.
Communication and words are critical in the quality of lives we live as a species. The illusion of transparency can sometimes make us create rifts that were never supposed to exist.
Stay aware and use words to remove the illusion.
This letter was written while listening to Study Music 24/7, recommended by my good friend, Victoria.
Useful Resources/Notes
Farnam Street: Illusion of transparency
You are Not So Smart: The Illusion of transparency
My unorganized, unedited notes.
Love always,
Francis.